Civility in a cynical age.

I love to hear a choir. I love the humanity to see the faces of real people devoting themselves to a piece of music. I like the teamwork. It makes me feel optimistic about the human race when I see them cooperating like that. (Paul McCartney, 1942-, British Pop Star, Composer, Member of ''Beatles'')

Union gives strength. (Aesop 620-560 BC, Greek Fabulist)

I tend to have a deepening frustration with the current tone of many conversations and debates. A growing incapacity for people to deal with a broad range of problems is largely attributable to the destructive ways in which issues are being addressed. People need to be able to raise tough questions and present their cases when important interests are being questioned. Avoiding the tough issues because they are unpleasant to address simply means the problems remain to surface another day. I often think we need to take stock that thoughtful and caring people may have very different views on how best to address their group's, community's or business's many complex problems. Constructive dialogue and debate needs to focus on solutions which are most likely to be successful, and not upon personal attacks leveled by adversaries against one another - even though that is what we are pervasively indoctrinated with by television programs, movies and sporting events. When this is not done, conflicts tend to escalate to a point where key decisions are not made on the merits of challenging approaches or strategies. In my work I have often seen adults proceed into group dialogue on the basis of very inaccurate (and usually unjustifiably evil) images of the interests, positions, and actions of other people without even testing for the facts. A more civil approach would lean towards all players making an honest and continuing effort to understand the views and reasoning of their opponents and avoiding personal attacks. Any group, community or business needs to condemn the deliberate distortion of information and the presentation of unbalanced views as unacceptable. Also, to realise that personal attacks usually signal that something else is under the surface, probably best exposed and dealt with. We have all, more than likely, witnessed a destructive confrontational escalation, when unintentional or intentional provocations result in even bigger counter-provocations in an intensifying cycle, that transforms a dialogue or debate into one in which mutual loathing becomes the primary motive. We tend to live in an age where winning at all costs is the done thing for some misguided self esteem. What ultimately is achieved or achievable in such conditions? Wherever possible, the parties should try to look at the particular issue in ways which change win-lose confrontations into win-win opportunities. In cases where this is not possible, the parties might need to recognise the democratic processes and legal institutions that exist to make the tough decisions and break a stalemate. That done, it is time to move on - not produce yet another backlash. Some broadly acceptable principles of fairness determined at the start of a dialogue or debate, which all group members have an interest in supporting, will at least provide a framework and help to avoid purely selfish objectives getting a grip. One crucial element of civility is recognition by all that it is possible that they are wrong and that the suggestions put before them are better. This entails an obligation to seriously consider the arguments made by opponents and to carefully try to explain and justify one's own own objections. The best ways to produce stable, long-term change is through exchange in which the parties negotiate mutually beneficial win-win trade-offs. Basic civility requires that any issues are addressed by a fair process in appearance and fact. Useful and binding decisions can only be made on the basis of substantive arguments, and assertively dealing upfront with advocates of the status quo who try and introduce endless procedural delays which prevent moving forward. Appointing an experienced, external facilitator has been shown to help address many of the issues briefly described here.